Old Dirt Road
by stephaniew
Summary: Sam makes his way down an old dirt road and enjoys a beer on the hood of the car. By himself. It's their ritual, but there's no real "them" these days. One-shot of Sam's thoughts sometime after S9's "The Purge."


A/N: This one has been nagging at me for some time now. First, this was partly inspired by a Jason Aldean song called Dirt Road Anthem. It always reminds of the boys when I hear it. Second, one of those things I felt was missing from the show after Dean told Sam about letting Gadreel possess him...seemed like we didn't get nearly enough of Sam's view of events. Regular readers know I write a lot of Dean, but this time, Sam wanted to be heard. Hope you enjoy!

Special thanks to two very special people! **TLOGirl**for being my ever patient beta and catching the weirdness I miss when I'm spewing these things out. And **Laura** for giving voice to Sam in the very best way and for allowing me to be both his friend and her friend. Her help with filling in the pieces here is much appreciated.

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Dirt and gravel crunch loudly under the car's tires. Off to the right, there's a small stand of trees that looks like an excellent place to stop.

Sam Winchester unfolds from the car, shoving the door shut with his elbow. He's already got a dripping wet can of beer in his hand, fresh from the cooler in the front seat. Leaning against the front fender, he pops the top on the can and takes a long swallow.

He sighs heavily, gaze on the horizon, but not really seeing it. He usually does this with his brother and it seems wrong to be here alone. But that's just how things are lately. How it seems things have had to be since he found out Dean had tricked him into being possessed by an angel.

Another swallow of the cold beer. How many other times had they done this? Parked the Impala on some dirt road somewhere, some field in the middle of nowhere and had a beer. Had a minute to themselves. A minute to decompress. To talk.

Some of the memories are better than others. He smiles slightly as he remembers an evening lighting firecrackers in a dirt lot while they drank too much beer and then had to run from the cops. Or the time they'd just leaned back on the hood and watched a meteor shower. Sam had rambled on about the science of it and Dean had called him a geek. As usual.

On the other side of the coin is the day Dean wanted to teach him how to take care of the Impala. Needed to show Sam before his time was up. Before he went to Hell. Or the time Dean had confessed Dad's final words. That he might have to kill Sam. That Sam might turn into a monster.

Sam shakes his head, trying to push away those darker memories. Tries to forget how they'd both do anything for the other. How hard he'd worked to try to get his brother's contract removed. To save him from Hell. How hard Dean had worked to save him from Azazel's plans to make him a killing machine.

And now here they are. So much water under the bridge since those days. So much time and pain and loss and grief and unspoken things.

He's most of the way through the beer now. Memories of a one of the most recent conversations they've had replays through his thoughts and he doesn't try to stop it.

"_This wasn't about me, Dean. It was never about me."_

_The stunned, hurt look on his brother's face burned deep. But he knows he's right. And once and for all they need to have this out._

"_It's about you and how you can't be alone. You couldn't let me die because you needed me here. Because you can't bear the thought of being here alone." The words sound harsh, even to his ears, but they're true. _

_Dean flinches and Sam catches just a flash of realization crossing his face, along with a hefty dose of guilt, before it hardens and the walls fly back up with astonishing speed. "It's my job to protect you. My job to keep you safe. I've failed too many fucking times at it lately and I wasn't about to just let this go without a fight." A sigh. "You're my brother, Sam."_

_It's Sam's turn to sigh. As if that just makes it right. As if that explains everything. He wipes a hand over his tired face. "That's not enough. That's just not enough to make this right, Dean. Do you really not see how incredibly deeply you violated my trust? Jesus, you __knew__ I would never in a million years have agreed to what you were doing and did it anyway." His voice is rising and he stops. That's not what this discussion is supposed to be for. He doesn't want this to degenerate into another shouting match. "I always trusted you to take care of me, but I thought that also included taking what I wanted. I've been an adult for a long damn time and you're still treating me like a kid who doesn't know what's good for him."_

"_I don't…" Dean shakes his head, reaching for the whiskey bottle that's never very far from his hand these days and then turns away. "Fine, if that's what you think, whatever. I did what I had to do to save you and I'd do it again in a heartbeat."_

There should be a way to make Dean understand. A way that didn't seem so damn cruel. To both of them. But there are just so many walls. Even after everything they've been through. After all the times they've pulled each other's asses out of the fire. All the times they've been forced to realize they are each other's weakness.

Last swallow of beer. Crushing the can in his hands, he slumps. Considers getting another beer, but rejects the idea almost as quickly. Booze isn't going to make this better. It doesn't really seem like anything can make this better.

Raising his eyes skyward, he studies the clouds as if there might be answers there. So many times they've looked at this same sky together. Saw the same sunset or the same stars or the same moon. Even when everything seemed wrong, they somehow managed to get back together. On the road together. The same road.

And now… Sam shakes his head again, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. It's not that he doesn't love Dean, although Dean probably thinks otherwise at this point. He does. And family means more to him than anything. He's just so damn tired.

Tired of all the struggling. Tired of all the losses. The things they've seen. Yeah, they've saved a lot of lives, but never their own. They never got to have lives. How many times should he have been a dead man? How many times have they cheated death? And for what?

This last thing, with the trials. He was willing to sacrifice everything, including himself, for the chance to make things right. To make things better for everyone. To put an end to the games and scheming and the lies. He could have made all the suffering worth something greater.

He finally has this chance to be free, to make a stand. But Dean talks him out of it. Dean stops him, says everything will be alright. Asks Sam to trust him. This is his big brother. The big brother who's been there for him since he was a baby. And Dean's finally telling him all the things he's been longing to hear. So yeah, he lets it go. He trusts his brother.

Sam closes his eyes briefly, taking a long breath. It still hurts to think about what happened after he quit the trials. He was ready to go. Ready to die. But he trusted his brother.

And Dean betrayed him without a second thought. Without the slightest consideration for Sam's needs or wants. Without caring that Sam was so fucking tired. Or that Sam would never have agreed to…

A heavy sigh as he stops this train of thought. And now Dean thinks "sorry, you're family" is enough to make things right.

Pounding a fist into his leg, he gets up and makes his way back to the driver's side door. Tossing the can carelessly inside, he drags the door open, climbs in and turns the engine over.

Sam takes one last look around. Watches as the sun begins its descent below the horizon. Wonders if this how his life will be going forward.

Alone.

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Sooooo, what did you think? Please feel free to click that pretty little review button right there and let me know! Feedback is always appreciated!


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